Sporting failure is nothing new to me; I have finished 11 000th in the London Marathon, never got round a golf course in less than 120 and watched my forwards lose an unopposed scrum against the head...however, this weekend takes the biscuit. In fact, it opens the tin, takes out the whole packet of Bourbons and runs off with them and the tin - pausing only to see if there's a couple of bottles of Chablis in the fridge to wash them down with. (Ok, I'll get on with it...what do you expect? I'm reading John le Carre..this is called setting the scene..)
First the good bit. I met up with my old school chum Les. The downhill slide started when we decided to leave the Sheffield Tap and actually go and watch Rotherham v Gillingham.I won't bore you with the details, but if you imagine Manchester United v Arsenal without any talent on show whatsoever, you might get the idea. I have no idea what lower division footballers do during the week, but it would appear not to involve anything with a ball. I imagine they spend their time practising their shouting, jostling and barging skills as that's what the game seemed to consist of.
After this sporting adventure, the weekend could only get better. Fresh from their midweek triumph, Tideswell entertained Disley CC who were keen for revenge. (It's not often one reads "Tideswell" and "entertained" in the same sentence, but such is the joy of creative writing.....) Deciding that the policy of picking young players with ability and talent for two games in a row was rather unsporting, Tideswell once again showed they were in the forefront of the fight against age discrimination. Sadly, there is clearly a different view of team selection on the other side of the Pennines.
We may or may not have won the toss - it's always hard to tell when Knobber Taylor leads the side, as part of the training for dentistry in Sheffield appears to be a placement with the Syrian secret service - but Disley batted first. Stella took an early wicket with a catch behind from Coker the Human Colander. Shirt bowled a bit, Taylor bowled a bit and Bob too. I'd like to have seen a bowled Shirt caught Button combination, but it was a pretty poor day for catching...someone actually kept hold of one, but by that stage I was suffering from hypothermia induced amnesia. Rip van Sawyers bowled, well but was let down by the Collander....it's never edifying to see two grown men at opposite ends of a cricket pitch banging their heads on the ground in an arrhythmic pattern, but it does make an interesting noise. I'M SORRY RIP!! I have no excuse to make other than I find it extremely disturbing to try an keep while my first slip is relating their triumphs at the Edale Horticultural Show:"..and I got first prize for the most unusual looking vegetable"...thanks Mark. They got 177.
Claiming that knowing the batting order would subject one to a fatwa issued by the Supreme Islamic sub-committee of the MCC,(Committee Chairman: Christopher Martin-Jenkins), Knobber unleashed his strategic plan. This seemed to work, as we were soon 8 for 2 with Knobber and Alex at the crease. The pair of them actually put on a few runs at a reasonable rate and victory was still a possibility. Inevitably, the middle order got bogged down. Stella and Campo hung around for a bit; Shirt and Astley went cheaply. Disley very sportingly brought their two openers back for the last few overs and we finished 126-9.
There was a great tea from Bob, and an absolutely fabulous discussion in the pub on how a bowler could run-out the non-striker; I read out the correct interpretation of the law, and then everyone told me why it was wrong...Rip made the observation that the square-leg umpire should call LBW decisions, although I don't think he's been taking his medicines of late. Sadly, I had to leave just as the karaoke was starting; a shame really, as I was rather looking forward to Trigger's rendition of the Ramones' "Rockaway Beach". Still, there's plenty more of the season left.............
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